Watching my two-year-old's eating habits has given me insight into how to eat without getting fat. My little girl is gaining weight, sure, but she's losing her baby fat and getting a long, lean figure. So here is a diet plan based on her eating habits that you, too, can adopt to lose weight:
Eat nothing for the first hour after you wake up. Hold a bottle of chocolate milk in your hand while you watch tv--preferably cartoons--and take occasional sips.
When someone asks if you want oatmeal for breakfast, say yes. Then, when its brought to you, refuse to eat it and start screaming for sausage instead.
Eat four pieces of sausage into crescent-moon shapes and leave the pieces on your plate. Ask for a fifth piece of sausage, but don't eat it. Wipe your greasy fingers on your shirt or on the clothing of the person nearest to you.
When offered a sandwich for lunch, say yes, but don't eat it. Demand fries instead. Eat two fries and a bowl full of ketchup. Be sure to smear ketchup on the table.
For a snack, ask for peanut butter crackers. Lick the peanut butter off the crackers. Then, drop the crackers wet side down on the floor. When you notice the mess, start screaming and crumble the remaining crackers in your hands. Then, wipe the peanut butter and crumbs onto the family pet. If you don't have a pet, wipe your dirty hands on your shirt and in your hair instead.
For dinner, refuse to eat any mixed foods or any foods that are touching each other. Avoid foods with an irregular shape as well. Opt for bland, plain foods instead, like rice. Eat one bite of rice, dropping half of it in your lap in the process. Spill the rest of the rice on the table or tray in front of you and play in it, drawing pictures. Then, swipe the rice onto the floor, on your shirt, and on your lap. If you have a family pet, try to hit it with grains of rice or whatever other food you have left on your plate. Finally, ask for a bowl of cheese.
For an after dinner snack, ask for whatever the people around you are eating. When you get it, don't eat it. Eat out of their plates instead. Whenever they take a bit, whine that they're putting it into their mouths instead of yours.
Don't eat anything else for the rest of the evening. When it's time for bed, don't go to sleep until you're served a cup of milk or a piece of chocolate. Then, spill half your milk on the bed and smear the chocolate all over your face.
The next day, do it all over again, adding any minor changes that you believe will drive the people around you nuts.
Follow these steps, and you're sure to get that lithe, youthful figure you've always wanted!
NOTICE: This diet is not recommended by The American Medical Association, The Federal Food and Drug Administration, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Richard Simmons, Suzanne Somers, NAFTA, PETA, the NRA, the ATF, the PTA, the Chamber of Commerce, or your gerbil.
Word and Book Lover.