Watching my two-year-old's eating habits has given me insight into how to eat without getting fat. My little girl is gaining weight, sure, but she's losing her baby fat and getting a long, lean figure. So here is a diet plan based on her eating habits that you, too, can adopt to lose weight:
Eat nothing for the first hour after you wake up. Hold a bottle of chocolate milk in your hand while you watch tv--preferably cartoons--and take occasional sips.
When someone asks if you want oatmeal for breakfast, say yes. Then, when its brought to you, refuse to eat it and start screaming for sausage instead.
Eat four pieces of sausage into crescent-moon shapes and leave the pieces on your plate. Ask for a fifth piece of sausage, but don't eat it. Wipe your greasy fingers on your shirt or on the clothing of the person nearest to you.
When offered a sandwich for lunch, say yes, but don't eat it. Demand fries instead. Eat two fries and a bowl full of ketchup. Be sure to smear ketchup on the table.
For a snack, ask for peanut butter crackers. Lick the peanut butter off the crackers. Then, drop the crackers wet side down on the floor. When you notice the mess, start screaming and crumble the remaining crackers in your hands. Then, wipe the peanut butter and crumbs onto the family pet. If you don't have a pet, wipe your dirty hands on your shirt and in your hair instead.
For dinner, refuse to eat any mixed foods or any foods that are touching each other. Avoid foods with an irregular shape as well. Opt for bland, plain foods instead, like rice. Eat one bite of rice, dropping half of it in your lap in the process. Spill the rest of the rice on the table or tray in front of you and play in it, drawing pictures. Then, swipe the rice onto the floor, on your shirt, and on your lap. If you have a family pet, try to hit it with grains of rice or whatever other food you have left on your plate. Finally, ask for a bowl of cheese.
For an after dinner snack, ask for whatever the people around you are eating. When you get it, don't eat it. Eat out of their plates instead. Whenever they take a bit, whine that they're putting it into their mouths instead of yours.
Don't eat anything else for the rest of the evening. When it's time for bed, don't go to sleep until you're served a cup of milk or a piece of chocolate. Then, spill half your milk on the bed and smear the chocolate all over your face.
The next day, do it all over again, adding any minor changes that you believe will drive the people around you nuts.
Follow these steps, and you're sure to get that lithe, youthful figure you've always wanted!
NOTICE: This diet is not recommended by The American Medical Association, The Federal Food and Drug Administration, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Richard Simmons, Suzanne Somers, NAFTA, PETA, the NRA, the ATF, the PTA, the Chamber of Commerce, or your gerbil.
I am working on a (awesome, life-altering, poignant, I hope) novel that takes place in the fifties, and the language is a bit tricky because I have to be constantly vigilant about the slang I use. I want the terminology to be time specific, or at the very least, I want to make sure any slang I incorporate came into use by the 50's. To make matters worse, the novel is set in 1953, and most of the lists I find online for slang used in the fifties covers the entire decade. So I can't be sure if each particular term was used by 1953 or not.
I've been cruising the internet to ensure I am using the appropriate slang, and I've purchased Dictionary of American Slang from Amazon. And to make myself feel even more secure, I've been watching films circa 1950-1953 and checking out the vocabulary used in them. What I've found out is that a lot of the slang and idiomatic expressions we take for granted have been around for a very long time and were widely used in the 1950's.
Here are some expressions I've heard on films from the early fifties along with the titles of the films.
Monkey Business, 1952
This ridiculous film stars Cary Grant (whom I adore), Ginger Rogers (behaving especially hokey), and Marilyn Monroe (in the dumb blonde role). Looking back on it, I'm mildly amused by the shenanigans that passed for comedy those days (not that we don't have our own dumb comedies today).
"That's queer."--"That's strange." Yes, this was before "queer" came to refer to a homosexual person and before the gay community commandeered it as a term of pride.
"Whatchamacallitt"--Do I have to define this one? We still use it today. I'm not sure about the spelling.
"A real knee slapper"--"A funny joke" Do people actually slap their knees when something is funny? Do you have to be a hillbilly to engage in this activity?
"To knock somebody's block off"--"To punch someone" Apparently a person's head is like a block in spite of the fact that most heads are more round that square.
"Trousers"--"Pants" I think they still call pants "trousers" in England.
"Fly into a rage"--"To become angry" You don't need wings to do this, and other than clubs, I don't think there's an actual place called "rage."
"It's not all it's cracked up to be"--"It's not as great as everyone thinks." We still use this expression today.
"Thingamabob"--See "Whatchamacallitt" above.
"Scaredy cat"--"A frightened person" Apparently a cat's most expressed emotion is fear.
"Talking rubbish"--"Speaking lies or silly things" Now, I know they still refer to trash as "rubbish" in England. In the U.S., the term strikes us as a bit archaic, however.
"Old boy"--"Pal" or "Friend" This term also seems pretty archaic today.
How to Marry a Millionaire, 1953
This fairly sexist film stars Lauren McCall (with her mouth constantly occupied by a cigarette), Marilyn Monroe (blind without her glasses), and Betty Grable (not as much of a knockout as I was expecting). The three rent a ritzy apartment with the hopes of landing well-moneyed spouses.
"To blow money"--"To spend money" We still use this expression today.
"To blow your top"--"To get angry and lash out" I suppose this is like a volcano because, as you know, volcanoes are prone to fits of rage.
"Shack up with"--"Live with" Now, this one surprised me. I thought it came about later, like in the everything-goes 60's.
"Throw in the towel"--"To give up" I already knew this one was a reference to boxing. I believe that if you throw in the towel in a boxing match, it means you concede the fight.
"Gas pump jockey"--"A person who pumps gas at a gas station" Now, this one is really archaic. I haven't seen a full service gas station in years.
"To be loaded"--"To have money" We still use this expression today.
"A joint"--"A place" I've always thought of this as either a beatnik or gangster term.
"Put money in the kitty"--"To save up money" I actually don't think a cat would appreciate being force fed cash.
"Creamy"--"Good" Betty Grable's character says this several times. I've never heard it before and don't know if it's unique to the fifties or to Grable's character in the movie.
"Cheaters"--"Glasses" This term obviously has not stood the test of time. I saw it in lists of slang from the fifties but didn't realize it came about so early in the decade.
"He really sends me."--"I'm really interested in him." This is a really fun expression. It sounds a bit poetic.
"A square"--"A dull person" Whenever I hear this term, I can't help but think of Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction making the square with her fingers.
"Chowderhead"--"Idiot" or "Loser" This term sounds pretty mild today.
"A chump"--"Idiot" or "Loser" I think this one is used pretty much the same way today.
"A screwball"--"A crazy person" We use this more as an adjective than a noun today.
"To jaw"--"To talk" I like the way this one refers to the body part that creates the action described. There's a literary term for that, I think, but I can't remember what it is.
"To be in a jam"--"To be in trouble" We use this expression the same way today.
"To hock something"--"To pawn something" We still do this and use the same term today.
"To be crazy about someone"--"To really like someone" I wonder just how old this expression is and why we think of love as a psychiatric problem.
"To flip"--"To become enamored of" or "To lose control over" Today, we "flip out" over things, but I'm not sure we "flip" for people. Or at the very least, I don't hear the expression used that way.
"To dig someone"--"To understand someone" I always think of "dig" used this way as a product of beatnik and hippie culture. It seems strange to hear "straights" using it.
"For crying out loud"--"For goodness sake" This is just an interjection, used to express disbelief, surprise, or irritation.
"To nip down to"--"To go to" I like the poetry of this expression.
"To get tied up"--"To get busy with something" We still get tied up today, sans rope.
"To be blind as a bat"--"To have really bad eyesight" Funny how we assign blindness to bats when they actually see quite well using echolocation.
"Four eyes"--"A person with glasses" This is still a rude way to refer to someone who wears glasses although I think the sting is not as bad as it once was.
"A strudel"--"An attractive woman" This one makes me laugh. It's very sexist and amusing (to me, anyway).
"On the level"--"Honest" I like the imagery used in this expression.
"To work like a charm"--"To work very well" If you are to follow this expression to its logical conclusion, then apparently witchcraft is very effective.
"When the chips are down"--"When things are not going your way" This undoubtedly refers to gambling. Poker, I guess.
"A grease monkey"--"A mechanic" Mechanics tend to get greasy, but I'm not sure there's anything particularly simian about them. Maybe this expression demeans their intellect, or maybe it's a pushback against creationism (and then again, probably not).
"Dingbag"--"A stupid person" My dad uses this expression a lot. I'm not sure what a "dingbat" actually is, but it's a funny term.
"Dough"--"Money" Does this insinuate that bakers are very wealthy?
"A monkey's uncle"--"?" I'm not quite sure what this expression means, but it seems like it was pretty common mid-twentieth century.
"To be on the lam"--"To be running from something" We still use this expression today.
"To blow your stack"--"To get really angry" Apparently this refers to people who carry things on their head, which tend to erupt, I guess, when they become angry.
"To lay low"--"To be discreet and out of sight" I like this expression, too, and it's still used today.
"Goofball"--"A silly person" This is a mild insult, still used today.
"Bubblehead"--"A dumb person" I guess the bubble is a metaphor for the human head, and the implication is that instead of a brain, the person's head is occupied with air.
"A greasy spoon"--"A less than sophisticated restaurant" We still use this term today.
Darkwood is a sweet little gem of a fantasy--unassuming and a bit modest. Howland is a land of abrupt nightfall, where kinderstalk--giant, menacing wolves--prowl the surrounding woods. When eleven-year-old Annie overhears her uncle's plan to sell her away, she runs away instead, but ends up falling into the hands of a nasty slave trader named Chopper, the same fellow her uncle was planning to sell her to. He takes her to the Drop, a horrible place where both children and grown men are enslaved and forced to chip away at the cliffs, gathering precious ringstone.
Annie discovers a strange ability to see in the dark, which enables her to escape and make her way to the capitol, where she intends to inform the king of the nasty goings-on at the Drop. Along the way, she experiences sightings of kinderstalk and has strange feelings of kinship with them. When she reaches the capitol, she manages to sneak onto the palace grounds and warn the royal inhabitants that the kinderstalk are gathering. Then, she passes out.
When Annie awakens, she discovers something she thought she'd lost forever and reveals a plot to overthrow the king. But there is an even greater danger ahead--a danger that will affect a people Annie never knew she'd lost and that will cause her to meet a destiny she never knew existed.
Like I said, Darkwood is a nice little fantasy novel. It is not life-changing or mind-blowing. It's not a Hunger Games or Maze Runner. Still, it is a pleasant way to spend a few days, enjoying a good book. I think the reason it is not compelling is because the heroine is only eleven, so it's hard to make the plot too intense. After all, it's intended for middle school kids. In any case, there is a suggestion there may be sequels--a prophecy indicates Annie has a greater destiny ahead--so maybe we will be able to watch both our little heroine and the novel's depth grow as well.
Word and Book Lover.