"Hi, Adolfo"! said Jordan. "Methinks I doth liketh thine lederhosen much".
Adolfo replied, "Thine appreciation maketh mine heart floweth gladly"!
Okay, in addition to the weirdish lingo between Jordan and Adolfo, did you notice where the punctuation was? That's right! Outside the quotation marks. What, are we angry at punctuation? Do we want to vanquish it, excommunicate it from the church? Does it have cooties? Poor punctuation! Why are we expelling it to the outer extremities of the universe, or, eh, the sentence? The punctuation belongs all nice and cozy and squishy right inside the quotation marks so that it can stay nice and warm.
Jordan added, "Thine beret ist also much attractive but verboten, for this ist not French-land."
Adolfo cried out, "Blast ye rigors of fashion, countrymen! I shall wear what fitteth me and be happy!"
He wracked his brains 2 times and ended up knocking 3 gerbils and 4 muskrats loose.
Maybe this is not a biggie, but did you remember hearing in high school when you were learning to type on those old electric typewriters (Yeah, okay. I was born in 1901.) that you should never write out numbers less than ten as numerals? Well, you should! Write numbers less than ten as words (unless, of course, you are a robot, in which case you can use dashes and dots or ones or zeroes or whatever you want just so long as you don't enslave us in your copper and beryllium mines!).
Barney said he had three muscles in his upper arm along with two packs of cigarettes and one homemade machine gun.
He drove recklessly thru the neighborhood, which did not plz his wife, who was hanging onto the bumper.
A lot of young writers today (and old writers as well, who don't have a good excuse) use text speak when they are doing normal, run of the mill writing, i.e. college essays for college classes. This is a big no no. So don't LOL your professors or the unwitting victims of your emails, and for Jehoshaphat's sake, if you're going to go "thru" something make sure you get fries with that.
He drove through the drive thru and ordered French fries and a double martini. Oh my granola!
I would like you to: file these forms, write up a new Constitution, and cut the bunion off my foot, in that order.
Colons are good for introducing lists. They are also pretty nifty at digesting food and turning broccoli into poop. But they don't make good interrupters. If you're going to use one in your writing, make sure you know what you're doing. Colons go at the end of a complete sentence (or at the end of your stomach). If when reading a sentence, you can mentally replace the colon with the word "namely" or "specifically," then you are a-okay, Amos 'n Andy!
He did all of the things I have told you about [namely]: hit on my grandma Louise, stole vodka from a squirrel, and sang the national anthem backwards. And all for the sake of a colon!
If you go around wearing tin foil on your head, carrying a prop sword, and calling yourself Xarta, King of the Cosmos, you should expect a little social ostracism (and maybe a straightjacket and a comfortable, padded room).
So what's wrong with that sentence? Well, nothing. At least, if I'm talking to you or writing something informal, there's nothing wrong with it. The problem is when you start doing high-falutin' stuff like writing memos at work or composing papers for your English professor. Here's the thing--professional people who are in the know don't like to see the word "you" when you're talking about people in general. Instead, you should use the generic "one" or "someone" or even change the whole thing to the plural "people." Or you could just trash the whole thing and rephrase it completely.
If one goes around wearing tin foil on his or her head, carrying a prop sword, and calling him or herself Xarta, King of the Cosmos, he or she should expect a little social ostracism.
Okay, so that's a bit icky with all the "he's" and "she's" and "him's" and "hers," isn't it?
People who go around wearing tin foil on their heads, carrying prop swords, and calling themselves Xarta, King of the Cosmos, should expect a little social ostracism.
That one's not too bad. I would be proud to include it in any academic or otherwise professional treatise.
That concludes part one of my peevish pets. I'm sure there will be more in the future to bug me (and you).